Traffic in Tehran reminds me of cockroaches. If you empty a box of them on the floor, the river of roaches starts running and once they hit an obstacle, they will find a way around or above it and continue going in the frenzy. Drivers in Tehran are the same. So I think it’s a good idea to write a small guide here for those of you who might find yourselves behind wheels in Tehran, to at least familiarize you with the most important classes of drivers. Besides, I really need to vent. It will hopefully save you some trouble in the future.
The Flasher: This is a driver who gets very close behind you, no matter where you are and starts flashing his headlights, telling you to move out of his lane so he can pass you. No matter how fast you are driving, there’s always a Flasher that will manage to get behind you. Even if you are in the midst of a pass yourself, if other lanes are blocked at the time or traffic is generally moving slow or has completely stopped in front of you and there’s really no where to go, the Flasher requires you to get out of his way. You must find a way to do so or else.
The Ram: This driver targets you and drives at top speed in your direction. Although he usually does this from behind (and then turns into a Flasher), he may head towards you from any direction and you must calculate the collision course and move out or else.
The Speed Bump: He is almost the opposite of the Ram. He drives at extremely slow speeds regardless of where he is. You sometimes see him merge into highways at 8 Km/h. They don’t seem to be aware that they can go higher than second gear. Make sure your brake lights work or you will get hit from behind if a Speed Bump appears before you.
The Pedestrian: Also known as motorcyclists. Although they are not true pedestrians, they truly think they are. Motorcyclists seem to believe they are exempt from all traffic laws and hence do as they please. I’ve noticed that the police agree with them too. You will find them anywhere a pedestrian may possibly go: on sidewalks, on grass, in stairwells, etc, driving in any direction that makes sense to them at the time.
The Hooter: The only driving tool that this driver has learned to use is the horn. Although in the early stages he starts using the horn for cussing, soon after, a whole spectrum of meaning is added to his repertoire. These include “get out of my way”, “hey I’m here”, “don’t even think about merging in front of me”, “thanks”, “ciao”, “my friend is getting married”, and many many more. Further in his development, the Hooter starts to honk very frequently and for any and no reason. He honks the horn incessantly in short bursts of staccato. It becomes a reflexive and uncontrollable action without the possibility of discerning any meaning from it. That is why some believe it to be a disease. The most dangerous thing about the Hooter is becoming one.
The Clairvoyant: This driver, believing himself to be a true mystic, does not rely on his sense of sight or hearing, and drives only with his sixth sense. He refuses to look for incoming traffic when turning, changing lanes, backing out of his garage or coming out of a parking spot. His head is always looking forward and you never see it move to check his surrounding. It is said that even when looking in front of the car, he doesn’t really “see” anything and instead “feels” everything. Most clairvoyants are covered by the Abolfazl insurance.
The Drifter: These drivers cannot drive in their lane, period. Their behavior seems to be completely out of their control though. You find them driving perfectly within their lane, between the lines, and suddenly you notice they are swaying to the left or right. Once half of their car is out of lane, they appear to realize the problem and slowly drift back until the process starts over again. They are very unpredictable and one should quickly pass them when it’s safe or keep one’s distance.
The Pusher: He displays the same behavior as the Drifter, but the difference is that he does it deliberately. You find him driving parallel to you within his lane, when he suddenly drifts towards your car. At first you think he is just another Drifter until you realize that he is not going back to his lane but continues to push into yours. You have no choice but to slow down to let him in. These drivers are the main reason why extra lanes are created in Tehran’s traffic. Also of note is the sandwich effect which is caused by Pushers. That’s when you find yourself between two Pushers drifting into your lane from both sides. A very dangerous situation indeed.
The Shield: Despite engaging in abnormal and uncivilized behavior in driving, Shields can often be beneficial. The Shield mostly appears when you are attempting to make a turn, or are trying to cross a busy intersection. Although usually his goal is similar to yours, to turn or cross, he doesn’t have the patience to wait behind you for his turn. Instead, while you are waiting for incoming traffic to ease a bit and find a chance to proceed, the Shield will maneuver his car around to your side and attempt to beat you to it. Although he is now completely blocking your view, the benefit here is that you can make your move while the Shield is protecting you from all dangers.
The Chicken: As if driving in Tehran is not exciting enough, this driver looks for an additional way to spice it up. So he plays chicken. He crosses the dividing line and comes into the opposite direction traffic. This is usually accompanied with flashing headlights, taunting you. You also find him on one-way streets driving in the wrong direction. He should be ignored and avoided, otherwise you end up in a head-on collision or in a major fist fight.
The Kamikaze: This driver signs his own death certificate for a greater cause before getting into his car. He drives straight, and at top speed, especially when going downhill, and he does not allow anything to slow him down and does not swerve for anything. He usually slams into traffic that’s merging, or turning into his path, or simply moving slower than him. If he doesn’t annihilate himself and the enemy, he will at least have the satisfaction of totaling all cars involved.
The X-men: These drivers are usually found in the late hours of the night and on freeways. Before creeping out into the streets they load themselves with substances that mutate them into ubermen. As a result they acquire most of the above traits at once. They drive at top speed, change lanes like maniacs while zigzagging between other cars, flash their headlights and honk their horn. You often see them in pairs and racing. They usually have sub-woofers in their trunks and like to scream to the top of their lungs.
Tags: chicken, clairvoyant, drifter, driving, flasher, hooter, kamikaze, pedestrian, pusher, ram, roach, shield, speed bump