It’s been such a long time that I don’t know where to begin. How to break the ice before I tell you what’s been going on…
In the Name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful…
No…that doesn’t work for me.
How about we start with a joke?
I was sitting at home one afternoon, around 2:00 PM, beating around the bush, probably reading the news, when someone rang the buzzer. I live in a small apartment complex where you’d find two columns of three buttons on the intercom if you visit: top, middle, and bottom. I am at the bottom.
I wasn’t expecting anyone, and I thought that as usual it’s either someone who rang the wrong apartment, or it might be the guy from the electric company for reading the meters. To be the bottom buzzer is a real ordeal, as everyone keeps pushing your button – for information, for dropping off marketing materials, for tips, or if they simply don’t know whose button to push.
“Who is it?”
A young man with a certain northwestern accent replied: “I’ve brought your food.”
“I didn’t order any food.”
“You didn’t order food?”
“Nope. I cooked my lunch and ate it about an hour ago.”
“Oh…sorry.”
“No problem.”
“Excuse me…”
“Yes?”
“Which one would be the middle buzzer?”
I locked up. I really did, because I actually thought about answering the question, and it seemed like the hardest question I had ever been asked. After I gave it a long thought, all I could muster was:
“It’s the ‘middle’ one.”
In hindsight there was a lot I could have said, like “Press the one that’s neither at the top nor at the bottom,” but I guess I was too distracted thinking if I had really been asked this question. Besides, would this have helped?
There was silence on the other side, so to further clarify I thought of telling him that no matter how he looked at it, the button he had pressed would in no way qualify as “middle”. Before I could, he finally said: “Oh…okay…thank you.” For the rest of the afternoon, I wondered if I had offended the guy.
Aside from this episode, I can’t think of any other exciting event to note right now. There was the surgery at the hospital and a rather long recovery period which is all very fuzzy, and the rest of my time has been spent at work, having to make up for last year’s lost days. I’d say “working like a dog”, but most dogs I know just lay around all day and snooze.
Sorry…I can’t lie… I haven’t been working.
Here’s the truth: I sold my country and I’ve been enjoying the money. As you may know, the “enemy” gave some of us Iranians lots of money last year for the sedition (http://www.presstv.ir/detail/144464.html). Eighteen billion dollars to be exact, and it’s all well documented. As Mr. Jannati revealed not too long ago, one billion went straight to the “sedition leaders”, and the rest was apparently set aside for the “dirt and dust”. (I wonder…This may have been our own eighteen billion lost in Turkey a year and a half ago. Coincidence? I don’t care, I’m just glad some of it got into my pocket.)
Of course, to qualify for receiving your share you had to march in the streets, so nothing for those who stayed at home last year. There were three million of us, and after doing the math, we each got five thousand six hundred and sixty six dollars and sixty six cents. Notice all the sixes please, because they point to the fact that the Great Satan had a hand in all this. He can never fully cover his tracks. This is all in the documentation too.
Now you know. Please accept my apologies for not answering e-mails in such a long time. I’ll get to that now. And please drop me a note if you know of anyone who wants to fund another sedition. I’ve run out of money again.